Love Never Dies Review Part One

I've recently come to a revelation. I like watching movies, reading books, listening to albums...and then I become obsessed and verbally review said entertainment outlet to anyone and everyone who I lay eyes on. That will not change, but I have decided to vent into a more healthy outlet instead that possibly won't get my head bitten off by people. Plus, it's genuinely something I love to do and I hope to make a part-time career, or even just a hobby out of it in later years.

So...here we go. LOVE NEVER DIES, the extremely controversial and highly disputed sequel to Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera. Which will never, ever, ever get a review as there is no words to describe POTO. There is just a *thud*, and after that, there is a *runs off quickly to piano to pretend to be Christine Daae. Or...the Phantom*.

Anyways... Disclaimer: I have not watched it in its whole. I have seen bits and pieces from the proshot, and chunks from illegal recordings (shh) and...other...stuff. I also have the whole album. It looks as though Sir Andy hates listening to people talk...which I must admit gets grating sometimes, and just has everyone singing everything. It doesn't matter if you're talking, singing, laughing, crying, peeing, sleeping, dancing, dying, you're just going to sing. But then again, they all sound the same when they sing. I mean...Mme Giry is the only one with a French accent...Christine's got an American accents...and Lord knows what accent the Phantom's got. Some sort of Canadian-Iranian-English-American-French thing going on. I recommend he adds some Chinese in there, to make the grandparents happy. My grandparents. Not his.

Anyways, the The show opens with an extremely depressed Madame Giry in pretty much black and white--as black and white as you can get onstage--strolling along a depressed deserted amusement part, talking depressedly about the depressing things that have befallen the depressed ruins she now depressedly stands in front of. And...we are off to a happy start! Everyone sing with me! If you're happy and you know it---I kid, I kid.

An odd hobo like woman with extremely terrible makeup creeps up behind her, and starts singing creepily about the wonders. Then, Mme and this weird thing, who is named Fleck and is half-bird half-woman begi-0OMW!!! IS THAT NIAMH PERRY?!?! THE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND ADORABLE INNOCENT YOUNG GIRL FROM I'D DO ANYTHING?!? *flings to the ground in despair* They...ruined...her....*faints*

~*~an hour later~*~

*lays in bed recovering*

Yes yes, anyways...we are magically transported back to a time where the depressing stuff is now happy cheerful stuff! Freaks and trapezes and more freaks, OH MY! I guess we're supposed to be excited by this...I mean, LOOK! Trapeze artists...flying people...magic...amazing colors...all set to the tune of an extremely depressing song that is extremely reminiscent of the background music in the 2004 movie when Mme explains the Phantom's past.

Speaking of which, why the &!^@ would the Phantom go back to being a circus freak after all those years of torture? See, this is why I feel like he's narcissic. He probably likes the pain he inflicts on himself. Why else would you leave the woman you love, who loves you, especially after a night of mind blowing se--*shushes*

Anywhoo...I'm truly feeling depressed now, this song bores me...my finger is on the skip button...middle finger, mind you and BOOM! We get to an accusation! " "That's the place you ruined you fool!" shrieks Niamh in a breathy, two year old voice that I never knew she could utter. Once again, I can only hold my head in shame for her.

Madame stammers and flips and...we are magically transported back in time. Again. That's twice in 10 minutes. Maybe Sir Andy's getting so old that he can't remember what century we're in? I mean, it's common knowledge that we've been getting it wrong for years, since it's only 10 years from 1881 to 1907. Ms. Crain, this is why I got a D on the last math test. Blame Phantom of the Opera.

We see...extremely annoying Americans freaking out over EVERY. SINGLE. THING. "You won't believe, if you see it...a little slice of heaven by the sea!" This reminds me of 42nd Street, Thank Goodness from Wicked, any peppy, excited, annoying, shrilly, typical musical theatre garbage that is ever present. The best part..."And the master...wears a MASK! What's behind it, what's behind it, what's behind it?" There is an elephant behind the mask, and all you wonderful Americans, that's a aquarium inside the theatre. Geez, what'd you expect, a face and a stage? That's old fashioned. Got lost in the time warp.

So...it's been about 10 minutes and my jaw has already aching from it's state of constantly dropping ness. Rachelle would be so proud to see how relaxed my tongue is. If I knew how slack my face would be from seeing LND, I should have just listened to it during solo ensemble.

I'm not impressed, have a headache, and my heart sobs for Niamh Perry's lost talent. Plus, Madame Giry's increasingly thick french accent gives me the shivers. Love Never Dies. Is a tragedy to my soul. And then...the Phantom comes out...and everything changes...

P.S. Comment/PM me if you are actually interested, and find me on facebook :-)

Thanks for reading and I'll have part 2 up in just a little bit... Until next time... *poofs into Noodleland to be with Ramin, and the aspirin*

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